The Heart of Wrestling: WWE Main Event Results

We are in London, England and your announcers are Tom ‘Look kids . . . ’ Phillips and Byron ‘I thought Stonehenge was a lot bigger’ Saxton.

We start things off with Paul Heyman in the ring. He says that is not how it is done. Paul introduces himself and he says that he wants to try something new this evening. He was speaking with his client in the back and he realized that the name of this show is Main Event. Being, with all false humility aside, the greatest main event advocate in history, Paul would like to change this show to Paul Heyman’s Main Event. Paul does not understand the reaction because if you look back.

Paul says that there is a well kept secret, his client BROCK LESNAR conquered the Undertaker’s undefeated streak at Wrestlemania. His client is guaranteed to be the next Raw and Smackdown main event. He is tonight’s main event Main Event. He will be the main event of Wrestlemania. He is the Swiss Superman, the King of Swing. He is Cesaro.

Cesaro makes his way to the ring.

Paul looks around and he says this is exactly what he has been trying to explain to Cesaro. The WWE Universe is filled with forgiving wannabes. The reaction was indicative of that. He is the greatest athlete from Europe. Every European can look at him and say ‘this is my guy. He is what a European athlete should be.’ The first time that Cesaro got a check as a Paul Heyman guy, he got out of Europe and moved to America.

Paul tells everyone they would do the same thing.

On Monday, he beat Sheamus and slighted him. Sheamus will be forgiving. Tonight, on Paul Heyman’s Main Event, he will be forgiving because he will have lost to the real World’s Strongest Man.

Mark Henry’s music plays and he makes his way to the ring.

Paul tells Mark that Mr. Cesaro’s advocate was not done speaking.

Mark tells Paul that he is done speaking when he says that Paul is done speaking. Mark says that it sounded like Paul said that Cesaro was the strongest man in the world. There is only one World’s Strongest Man and it is him, not this Swiss Miss.

Paul says that he did not mean any disrespect to Mark but it is not bad to be number two. At least not for Henry. Paul says that he is the one in twenty-one and one.

Henry with a bear hug on Cesaro but Cesaro gets out of the hold and goes to the floor.

Damien Sandow is dressed like Sherlock Holmes as he looks for clues. We go to commercial.

We are back and Damien Sandow tells London that Sherlock Holmes is on the case. For those of you who read Scandal in Bohemia, he is good at solving problems. That is why he is here. What you halfwits view as a series of random events, they are a set series of happenings to lead to a result. Damien demands that everyone shush. He says that everyone came from random parts of the empire to see him. You halfwits may view this as complicated, but for him it is elementary. When you eliminate the impossible, whatever is improbable, may be the truth.

R Truth’s music plays to interrupt Damien. Truth wants to know what is up. What he is going to say will not rhyme. He tells Damien that first he was a bad Santa. Then he turned into Magneto. Now, you are Sherlock Holmes? He has seen a lot of crazy things in his day . . . including Little Jimmy.

Damien demands Silence and Truth tells him that he is seven colors short of a rainbow.

Match Number One: Damien ‘Sherlock Holmes’ Sandow versus R Truth

Sandow wrestles in his suit, except for the jacket. Truth with a wrist lock and Sandow backs Truth into the ropes and Truth releases the hold. They lock up and Truth with a side head lock. Truth returns to the side head lock and then Truth goes for an O’Connor Roll but Sandow holds on to the ropes. Truth with a split and he wants to know what’s up.

Sandow with a kick and then Truth holds on to ht ropes and he shimmies. Truth with an arm drag into an arm bar. Sandow goes to the floor and he checks on his arm with his magnifying glass. Sandow returns to the ring and they lock up. Sandow misses a punch but Truth does not miss. Sandow with a knee and head butt. Truth with a rollup for a near fall.

Sandow grabs his pipe and he thinks about what to do. Truth taps Sandow on the shoulder to get his attention and Truth with a punch. Truth sends Sandow’s head into the apron and then Sandow rolls back into the ring. Sandow rolls to the floor when Truth gets back into the ring and he appears to be done with Truth.

We go to commercial.

We are back and Truth sends Sandow into the turnbuckles and follows with a snap mare and gets a near fall. Truth with a punch and forearms to Sandow. Truth with a kick but Sandow sends Truth over the top rope to the floor. Sandow goes to the floor and he slams Truth’s head into the apron. Sandow kicks Truth and then drops a few knees and he kicks Truth some more.

Sandow with a suplex and he gets a near fall. Sandow with a key lock into a wrist lock. Sandow with a reverse chin lock. Truth with punches to Sandow followed by a kick. Sandow with a drop kick for a near fall. Sandow punches Truth and then he drops a knee across the face. Sandow with punches to Truth in the ropes. Sandow with a side Russian leg sweep followed by the Elbow of Disdain and Sandow gets a near fall.

Sandow returns to the reverse chin lock. Truth with a jaw breaker to get out of the hold. Sandow with a drop toe hold that sends Truth into the ropes and Sandow with a running knee to the back and he gets a near fall. Sandow with elbows to the back of the head. Sandow with knees to Truth. Sandow with a kick to Truth followed by a punch. Truth punches back as he gets back to his feet. Sandow with a head butt. Sandow with another head butt, but Truth with a drop toe hold that sends Sandow into the turnbuckles.

Truth with punches to Sandow followed by a clothesline and kick. Truth with a sit out gourdbuster for a near fall. Sandow with a shoulder to the midsection but Truth with a leg lariat for a near fall. Truth misses the scissors kick and Sandow with a kick to the knee followed by You’re Welcome for the three count.

Winner: Damien Sandow

We go back to Raw to see Stephanie McMahon’s announcement about the WWE Title and that she wants Daniel Bryan on Raw next week to surrender the title.

We go to commercial.

We are back and we take a look at the footage from Total Divas about Naomi’s injury thanks to Aksana’s knee.

Match Number Two: Aksana versus Naomi (with Cameron)

Aksana taps her knee and Naomi with forearms and kicks to Aksana. Naomi with a sunset flip but Aksana tries for a knee but Naomi moves. Naomi with a flip shoulder tackle and then she rolls up Aksana. Aksana with an Irish whip and Naomi floats over and uses her rear end.

Aksana hits Naomi from behind and gets a near fall. Aksana with shots to the head and she applies a rear chin lock. Naomi with a kick and both women are down. Naomi with drop kicks and then she hits a modified pile driver in the ropes and gets a near fall. Aksana with a tilt-a-whirl slam for a near fall.

Aksana tries for a belly-to-back suplex but Naomi lands on her feet and Naomi with a Bubba Bomb for a near fall. Naomi with a forearm but Aksana with a spinebuster for a near fall. Naomi with the Rear View for the three count.

Winner: Naomi

We go to commercial.

We are back and it is time to take a look back at what happened with John Cena and the Wyatts.

We go to commercial.

We are back and Paul says to Mr. Henry that they got off on the wrong foot and he says that it was his bad. He is willing to admit when he makes a mistake. Paul would like to atone for that sin because that is what he do.

Paul says that he made a mistake in accepting this match on behalf of his client. Cesaro has already beaten him. Mark may not have been at 100%, but it is more important to see who the World’s Strongest Athlete is. Instead of a contest that ends in pinfall or submission, why not . . . an arm wrestling contest.

Mark says that they have a deal, but Paul says that was only a suggestion. He suggests a tug of war or weight lifting contest.

Mark says that they will have an arm wrestling match.

Mark adjusts the announce table and Paul says that there is no regulation table. Paul says that he is wrong for the third time.

Paul says that Cesaro is calling their bluff. Paul says that it is not a bluff because he believes that Cesaro is the world’s strongest athlete.

They assume the position at the announce table but Cesaro stands up. Henry says they don’t have all night and Paul asks why not.